This may seem off the subject but it does have to do with my 2 year absence from blogging, my decline into darkness, and losing my ability and desire to create art. I want to share my experiences with you, because some of you have been extremely kind to me and helped me emotionally and financially when I was at the very bottom of a deep black hole and could not see a way out. I can probably never repay you for your kindness, but maybe I can pay a little bit forward to other people who have lost hope. Perhaps in telling about my experiences it will help someone else to find a way out of their own darkness and get back on their feet.
First things first - Why has it been 2 years since I have blogged? My partner Ben has heart failure. Three years ago he ended up in the hospital literally about to die, because, with no money, and no insurance he had put off going to a doctor until I was afraid he was going to die sitting in his chair and I made a friend of his come over and help me force him into the car to go to the ER. The next few days were touch and go for him and he was in ICU and then they had to transport him to Atlanta. I could not even visit him there because I was afraid my car would not make the trip to Atlanta safely from here. When they released him from the hospital after a week, they gave him 3 months to live, maybe 6, and at the very best estimate perhaps a year or two but he would probably not be functional. They wanted him to have heart surgery, implants, therapy... all things there was no way to pay for, but as he was 'stable' and uninsured, they released him to me for palliative care at home and wished us luck. I was already overwhelmed dealing with my beloved old dog who had gone deaf and blind and was then developing dementia, so basically my whole world dissolved completely into despair. We live in a remote place and I have no friends or family to help me here, so I became a full-time, hospice nurse, vet tech, dietitian, cook, maid and caretaker 24/7/365 for both of my constant companions for the last 20 years who were both literally dying in front of me. All I could do was make the transition easier and more comfortable for them. I had no job, no income, no money for doctors and vets and medicines or even food and all I could do was try to keep them alive and as comfortable as possible. There was no time or money left for anything else.
The utter hopelessness of caring for the two of them for the next 2 years took it's toll and my previously diagnosed but untreated Depression and PTSD grew much worse, but of course there was no one to care for me and I could not afford to see a doctor. I did nothing all day every day from 7AM until well after midnight every night but clean up after my dog who had become incontinent by then, and cook and care for her and Ben all day, every day.
I tried to make art to sell, but my people skills are not good when I am happy and are much worse when I am anxious, depressed or under pressure (see previous post about Aspergers/Autism) and people pretty much stopped buying my art. Then Etsy changed their policies and no one could find my work there, so I closed down my Etsy shop.
I fell into such a deep pit of depression that I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night, and I literally woke up crying in the mornings. I would try to pull myself together enough to go downstairs and wash the poop off the dog and wash out her crate and cook her food and when Ben woke up I would care for them both. When I did get a chance to be alone I would usually just end up sobbing uncontrollably. Since I am not good at asking for help but am good at 'masking', most people assumed I was handling it all OK and my family was not in a position to help me anyway, and my 'friends' deserted me because I was not being 'nice' or always 'present' for them.
My dog finally died a year ago, at almost 18, blind, deaf, and in the end, she probably didn't even know who I was. I would have had her put out of her misery long before she got that bad, but I literally did not have the money to do so, as the vets here will all charge you hundreds of dollars just to put a dog, who is clearly old and in misery, to sleep.
Now it's just Ben and I, and for the past several years he has had bad days and weeks and his medicines made him sicker and gave him type 2 diabetes which landed him back in the ER again. With no primary care doctor who will see him without insurance the diabetes goes untreated. His cardiologist will see him for a cash payment but we have not been able to afford that in almost a year. He keeps refilling the prescriptions, and I guess they help keep Ben alive. I really wish I could get him in to see another doctor, but then there would be expensive tests we can't afford.
A few weeks ago I was getting desperate because Ben has been experiencing painful peripheral neuropathy in his feet from the diabetes2. I happened on some youtube videos from D.Ken Berry MD and he said that changing Ben's diet to a KETO diet (high fat, low carbs) could possibly help or even reverse his T2D and maybe even help his heart. Ben was really sick, so what did we have to lose? I literally gave all of our food that had starch or sugar in it away to our neighbor - everything - bread, potatoes, ice cream. I spent what I could on bacon and eggs and pork roast and chicken thighs and salmon and almond flour and stevia and my daughter (who had done KETO to lose weight for her wedding last year) sent me some KETO food and a cookbook to get me started. It was worth a try, and easier than summoning a demon to sell my soul, which seemed my only other option.
We have both been doing the KETO diet for about 6 weeks now. No sugar or breads or starches, no potatoes or pasta, no fruits, no cereals or grains. It's hard to give all that up at first, I loved to bake and cook and EAT, but it is SO worth it. Ben is now feeling so much better. He is even teaching himself how to draw with youtube videos. He is walking around more and his feet are much better. He no longer has a gray pallor or looks like death. He is begining to be more of the man I used to know again. It is an amazing transformation.
As for me, well I have already lost a lot of weight and quite a few of my health issues are gone, from itching skin to brittle nails and a tooth infection has cleared up (I have had it for months and could not see a dentist for it). I literally used to eat antacids by the extra large bottle full (the wal-mart version of tumms) because I had such terrible stomach pains and acid reflux, especially at night when I would lie down, and I feared it was ulcers, or stomach cancer, but all of that is gone now too, and I feel so much better. My head is clearer, I am not so depressed, so I sleep better and I am not constantly crying. My anxiety is not as bad and I am beginning to try to find a way out again, a way to start over somewhere that I can get a foothold that I never could here, and I am no longer just trying to survive one day at a time. I am making new art now (more about that in a later post) doing a lot of photography and I am even thinking of taking up some new hobbies once I lose a bit more weight and can make that possible.
If all of these health issues and depression can be fixed with just changing our diets, then we must literally have been killing ourselves by trying to eat the ADA and AHA diets full of 'healthy foods' like whole grains and fresh fruits, vegetables (some are good) and juices (worse than colas!). Those 'healthy' choices, it seems, are really sugar laden minefields of pure poison. No wonder everyone in the USA is obese, sick, and diabetes is literally killing people every day.
I'll update you in another post soon.
Thank you if you read all the way to the end :-) ____________________________________________________________________________
NOTE: I have forgotten how to do the HTML formatting here so it's a bit wonky. It's been 2 years since I blogged (or even looked at my blog!!!) and I seem to have wiped most of my older posts at some time. Maybe I should wipe the others too. Maybe it's finally time for that new beginning. I want to start blogging again, and now that I have an amazing webcam I may even start vlogging and doing some KETO cooking and art diy art videos to my youtube channel.
I tried to make art to sell, but my people skills are not good when I am happy and are much worse when I am anxious, depressed or under pressure (see previous post about Aspergers/Autism) and people pretty much stopped buying my art. Then Etsy changed their policies and no one could find my work there, so I closed down my Etsy shop.
I fell into such a deep pit of depression that I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night, and I literally woke up crying in the mornings. I would try to pull myself together enough to go downstairs and wash the poop off the dog and wash out her crate and cook her food and when Ben woke up I would care for them both. When I did get a chance to be alone I would usually just end up sobbing uncontrollably. Since I am not good at asking for help but am good at 'masking', most people assumed I was handling it all OK and my family was not in a position to help me anyway, and my 'friends' deserted me because I was not being 'nice' or always 'present' for them.
My dog finally died a year ago, at almost 18, blind, deaf, and in the end, she probably didn't even know who I was. I would have had her put out of her misery long before she got that bad, but I literally did not have the money to do so, as the vets here will all charge you hundreds of dollars just to put a dog, who is clearly old and in misery, to sleep.
Now it's just Ben and I, and for the past several years he has had bad days and weeks and his medicines made him sicker and gave him type 2 diabetes which landed him back in the ER again. With no primary care doctor who will see him without insurance the diabetes goes untreated. His cardiologist will see him for a cash payment but we have not been able to afford that in almost a year. He keeps refilling the prescriptions, and I guess they help keep Ben alive. I really wish I could get him in to see another doctor, but then there would be expensive tests we can't afford.
A few weeks ago I was getting desperate because Ben has been experiencing painful peripheral neuropathy in his feet from the diabetes2. I happened on some youtube videos from D.Ken Berry MD and he said that changing Ben's diet to a KETO diet (high fat, low carbs) could possibly help or even reverse his T2D and maybe even help his heart. Ben was really sick, so what did we have to lose? I literally gave all of our food that had starch or sugar in it away to our neighbor - everything - bread, potatoes, ice cream. I spent what I could on bacon and eggs and pork roast and chicken thighs and salmon and almond flour and stevia and my daughter (who had done KETO to lose weight for her wedding last year) sent me some KETO food and a cookbook to get me started. It was worth a try, and easier than summoning a demon to sell my soul, which seemed my only other option.
If all of these health issues and depression can be fixed with just changing our diets, then we must literally have been killing ourselves by trying to eat the ADA and AHA diets full of 'healthy foods' like whole grains and fresh fruits, vegetables (some are good) and juices (worse than colas!). Those 'healthy' choices, it seems, are really sugar laden minefields of pure poison. No wonder everyone in the USA is obese, sick, and diabetes is literally killing people every day.
I'll update you in another post soon.
Thank you if you read all the way to the end :-) ____________________________________________________________________________
NOTE: I have forgotten how to do the HTML formatting here so it's a bit wonky. It's been 2 years since I blogged (or even looked at my blog!!!) and I seem to have wiped most of my older posts at some time. Maybe I should wipe the others too. Maybe it's finally time for that new beginning. I want to start blogging again, and now that I have an amazing webcam I may even start vlogging and doing some KETO cooking and art diy art videos to my youtube channel.
I would like to start a patreon but not quite sure how to do that yet so in the mean time you can help me get through this transitional stage back to being human by buying me a coffee at https://ko-fi.com/ghosthorsestudios
